The Green Monster

   I have always been a person who truly believed that jealousy is a wasted emotion.  There's nothing in this world worth being jealous of because, someone, somewhere can be jealous of you and what you have.  Sure, there are things in this life that I would like to have (top of the list: Susan Tedeschi's singing voice), or own (Berkshire Hathaway stock purchased in 1967), or be (on a permanent vacation).  But when I look around and see what I DO have, that little green monster inside dies in an overdose of gratitude. Even when I remember that Dave Grohl is married and not to me.

Until now...

  Since becoming a step-parent almost 9 years ago, I have learned that I can be jealous and no amount of gratitude can change it.  What I am jealous of is normal co-parenting relationships.  Exes that can iron out differences; step-parents that chip in to the efforts of child rearing without fear of confrontation from the biological parents; kids that don't have to see the people they love in constant conflict or feel the animosity at every possible event their parents and step-parents attend. Blended families that can function, even at a very basic level, are something I envy.  It is the biggest, baddest, most ferocious green monster I have ever come across.  It's about the size of the National Debt and twice as ridiculous.


  The ridiculousness comes from the fact that there is no blended family ANYWHERE, no matter what the circumstances, that should NOT be able to function at that basic level IF they could put the children first.  It is the adults in the situation that have that control and being adults, they should be able to act like one. At all times. No matter what. Divorces and break-ups are not usually happy, fun times. I get it. I've been through both. No one is doing cartwheels through the division of property or friends or their breaking hearts. But I always knew that my child deserved a parent that could move past the adult difficulties to do my job for them.  It wasn't always easy and a lot of smiles were as fake as a cubic zirconium engagement ring, but it is what you do.  It should be a reflex, like ducking through a small door or flinching when a bee flies around your face.

It should be a reflex, innate and instinctive. Dear God, it should be.

(to be continued...)

Pancakes & Waffles: A Super Sappy Letter From Your Mother

Dear Pankcakes and Waffles,

  323 days.  That's how many days you've been in my world.  Well... before that, you were IN my world, but also IN my body. So, our conversations were pretty much one-sided. 

 323 days. And it feels like it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna love you both to pieces all the days of your life, but you two are WORK. Rewarding as it is, it's still work.  Exhausting, unending, poopie work. I especially like it when the work is extra poopie and you guys add struggle and escape attempts to it... (Side note: remind mommy to teach you about sarcam).  All that work aside, you have really cute tooshies.

  Speaking of cute, one day I will look back at just how cute your needy (yet eternal and complete) love is for me that the hours I spent trying to hold both 18+ lb babies while they turned me into the "human kleenex" will seem less annoying and more endearing. Then I will remember I can wear clothes I actually like, again.

Your limited teeth; your goofy, fly-away hair; the 4 hands that are always reaching for, pulling, grabbing, into something; the questionable smells that come from you... all of these qualities will eventually be missed, even yearned for, in the future.

Like, far off future, but future, nonetheless.

~ Like how I miss baby J and his super sweaty head and sweet snuggle. Mostly, his scratchy baby voice with the Bostonian accent.

~  Like how I miss baby C.  The excessive drooling, the innocent eyes, the giant appetite... the way he cocked his head like Forrest Gump.  *sigh*

~ And baby P and her intensity in everything from her walk, to her attitude, but especially in the way she loved.

  I'm so lucky to have all my children, biological or not.  And as your mommy, I get the added bonus of being able to share this all with a pretty great daddy.

  323 days... and only a lifetime to go. And I'll love you through all of it and beyond.

xoxo
mom